i married myself in the darkness. i plunged into the horror of my own despair and loneliness and there i found her, the one special person i had always been seeking. i found myself, not another one but myself, i found my own delicious heart, my own shocking vulnerability, my delightful sensitivity to the night and my strange love of breaking. i found the one for whom i had always ached, the perfect one, here with me, in every moment, the divine one, the merciful one, breathing with me, seeing what i see, feeling what i feel and knowing what i know, and when i doubt, she doubts with me, and i found her in the darkness.in the pitch-black-void i was finally penetrated by my own deepest knowing. i filled myself and was filled in return, myself in myself and i am whole again for all time. in seeking i was divided, torn asunder, but in this rest, in this merciful and erotic void, i am free at last. i married myself in the darkness and the vow can never be broken for even the breaking is the vow. do not fear the inner hell realm, my love. the repugnant and feral creatures, the unholy monsters lying in wait, are only you in disguise. your deepest pain and trauma will only bring you home and all your seeking will only lead you back to the seeker. the cure for the pain is right here in the pain, and you have been running from the very thing you want, seeking the very thing you already are, and that is why you are so exhausted, but even your exhaustion contains the vow. so rest, my love, rest, and take the risk of hurting.
